Ask HN: How do I give back to people helped me when I was young and had nothing?
195 comments
·June 13, 2025firefax
Focus less on those who helped you, and more on helping others.
The first time I went to Defcon, I felt lonely and lost -- it was the first year they had those cool electronic badges, and at the time they were only given out as entrance tokens for an exclusive party that was the talk of the con.
I didn't really "know" anyone there -- like a lot of young hackers, I was part of one of those vBulletin board hacker crews that have been lost to time and I'd exhausted the meager savings I had built up that summer on my plane ticket and hotel room at the Riviera.
A lot of people who had expense accounts were going out to nice places for dinner -- the guy with per diem would get drinks, the guy who had to itemize, and me, the guy trying to get a group together to visit that cool looking dive bar next to Bally's kept getting laughed at and called a newbie...
Then none other than Dan Kaminsky[1] strolls up, tells me he knows who I am (!) and heard I'd been asking about the ninja party, tells me he can't get me in but he knows a room party. Shows me a room next to the pool with a keg in the bathtub, I threw them a five and we sat around talking until late in the night. They had some good tips on cheap places to eat, how to get free drinks at the penny slots, that sort of thing.
And then, every year since that I visited, I did what he did... wander the convention looking for the budget travel crew, the folks who don't do it for a salary and whom this is their reality, and I'd take them on a quest for two dollar hot dogs, show them the little store next to the dive bar where they could stock up on beer and liquor and ice and then disappear into the night like some kind of helpful spirit of the hacker night.
Anyways... long, profuse thank yous are not needed. What you should do is make sure you keep the gates open that were not gatekept for you. Be the person who connects others, in ways that you can't always list on your CV.
[1] Rest in power
jimmydddd
Agreed. Over the years I've touched base with folks who helped me out at crucial times and they didn't even remember the incident. Like one time when I was not offered a job after an internship, this senior guy stepped in and made sure they gave me an offer. I thanked him 20 years later for helping me get my start. He just said, "Really? I don't recall that, but glad I could help." So paying it forward is probably the best strategy.
steveBK123
I think in some cases it's because the type of person who would go above & beyond to help just naturally does this as their normal course of business. It is routine behavior for them, and each act is not memorable.
bigiain
Yep. And we should all strive to be that sort of person.
petesergeant
I had some time in a non-tech gatekeeping position and was able to help a bunch of people, who occasionally thank me for it, and I generally don't remember the details at all, and it's nice and all to be thanked, but I was just doing it because it was the right thing to do. On the other hand I'd be absolutely psyched to hear they were doing it for someone else -- that would put a huge smile on my face.
hombre_fatal
Yeah, I used to have a similar drive as OP where I thought some sort of grand gesture was in order towards various people in my life. And I can't think of a single time it particularly paid off.
It's not like they go "ah yes, just what I deserve!"
If anything, it puts them in a confusing or uncomfortable position.
I get it now. But if you have people to thank, call them and make it short and sweet. But don't do the big gesture.
mvanveen
I had the pleasure of meeting Dan in person a few times up here in the Bay Area. He was incredibly approachable and always generous with his time. If he sensed your curiosity, he’d give you his full, undivided attention.
Just weeks before he passed, we were trading long Twitter DMs late into the evening—deep, technical conversations spanning topics that were hard to get good information on elsewhere.
After his passing, as I began sharing these stories, I found that so many others had experienced the exact same generosity from him. He had a remarkable way of making people feel seen and supported.
strangattractor
My personal rule: Always try and help people whenever the opportunity arrises (especially people you don't know). It doesn't matter how small the assistance or if you will see this person again. You might be surprised at how it feels and the knock on effects that occur. Once I started looking for opportunities I found them everywhere.
Treating people shitty has no reward, takes zero effort and minimal intelligence.
chachacharge
when mentoring most people its true. but not always true. some asses need to be "karate-sized". this, by definition, requires effort, intelligence, and denial of all passion. of course, you can alternately find a different mentor if resources are not so limited. Otherwise its time to sweep the legs of those who doubt the power of this fully functional linux operating system.
adfm
Dan ran up to our table at a con excited to show us all the ssh tricks he was currently into at the time. His excitement and curiosity was contagious. We’d connect at events over the years and he’d always have something interesting to show off. Jet airplane explosion videos ran through MRI software? Check. AR app for the colorblind? Check. Keep DNS safe? Check. Dan was a hacker’s hacker. He was always lifting others up, paying it forward. It’s your duty to do the same. Stay human.
kylecazar
"and then disappear into the night like some kind of helpful spirit of the hacker night."
This is awesome. One interaction like this can change the entire vibe of a group's weekend. Good on you.
sitkack
I can't speak for those that helped the OP, but I take joy in helping strangers of all sorts.
The only payback would be in passing it on. The act is an attempt to build a culture of openness and collaboration. It is only partially about helping the person that needs it and more about creating a gift to future us.
godelski
I want to second this.
The big lesson is recognizing how far a little help goes.
Often it's not much for the person who gave you help, but the result cascades. Nobody is completely self made. We do a lot of work to push ourselves forward but it still relies on other people.
So as you grow, take a chance on others. Don't just look at who they are but who they want to become. The world is full of gates that are extremely difficult to pass through but trivial to hold open for others. It can be making introductions, passing along a resume, or just taking the time to say hi and be friendly.
Recognize that the world is noisy and that these little things help us navigate. We solve big problems by breaking them down into many little problems, so it should be easy to understand how solving little problems makes progress towards solving big ones. Even if you don't know what that big problem is. Just try to make the world a better place. Recognize your struggles and when you can, help others to not face the same issues. You can't solve everything and you won't be perfect, but as you've recognized, a little can go a long way. So do that.
People aren't born wizards. We all start as noobs. Don't forget the journey
tmsh
"keep the gates open that were not gatekept for you" - really well said re: life philosophy re: living a life of integrity.
zevon
As others have indicated: I think many people who show others "incredible kindness and inspiration" would value you doing the same for others more than anything you could probably do for them. However, simply telling them "you were incredibly kind to me and you are a big reason for me trying to be kind to others" might just make their day.
simonw
100% this. If I run into someone and they say "15 years ago you helped me out with X, and as a result these other great things happened" it will literally make my week.
californical
Somebody reached out to me 5 years ago to tell me that a small gesture in high school made a big difference in their life.
We’re both into our 30s now, and I never knew her very well, and hadn’t even seen (or talked to) her since I’d graduated. But I did remember the gesture - and even these 5 years later it still makes me happy to remember her thanking me! Like, it didn’t feel like I was doing anything much at all at the time, and I probably would’ve never even thought about it again.
xwowsersx
Your week?! This would brighten my entire month, perhaps even my year!
DougN7
This. And stay in contact over the years. Everyone needs more friends, and some people really need them. That is worth far more than almost anything you could give/buy.
commandersaki
I unfortunately did this to two people that were instrumental in my life, except during a manic episode, and while I sprinkled some good stuff in there, I also said some cringe things that I'm really embarrassed about. Rather than try and apologise many years later, I've just let it hang, and hope they appreciated the good things I said and not the odd out of place manic-inspired things.
zevon
Hard to speculate, but again, I would assume that many people who show others "incredible kindness and inspiration" accept neurodiversity instead of expecting some sort of apology for it (and might even be willing to talk about such things).
thinkindie
This - and probably asking if they know other people that might benefit of your new experience/skills. If they probably helped you, they are still helping someone else too.
andrepd
My partner did that, sending thank-you emails to teachers and mentors that helped shape her path. The responses have been very positive.
Brian_K_White
You never heard the phrase "pay it forward?"
The gratitude is good and correct, but they did not do it for any kind of return from you. What they wanted most was for you to turn around and do the same thing for others.
Or not even that, just make good productive use of what they gave you. Merely having a job that does something in any way useful to society and doesn't actively harm others is good enough. But if you do go a bit further and be generous with your own time and consideration to others, even better.
If you feel this way to even write this post, then helping someone else with their problem probably comes naturally already and you don't even have to do anything you don't already naturally like to do and are probably already doing.
null
bdcravens
I came from a pretty terrible situation, and by the time I was 17, was living on my own, in the local housing authority apartments. In high school, a local businessman, who later became mayor, helped me out. I was on the debate team, and needed a suit, so he took me shopping, and not only bought the suit, but an entire wardrobe and other assistance. We communicated off and on as I went into college etc (he passed a few years later)
He told me that when I was successful, to do the same.
rancar2
My best friend is spending 100 days writing hand written letters of love to those who contributed to her life’s journey. There’s humanity and connectedness with writing that no other medium offers both the writer and the reader. Her writing has been received with such love, tears of joy, and mutual appreciation. This includes book authors that she’s found herself meaningfully influenced and inspired by. She’s half way through the project, and I’m sure she’d be happy to connect if you’d like any tips.
One big tip is make sure your hands are ready with the proper pen and hand exercises.
dbatten
Any chance she's going to write anything about this when she's done? I'd love to read somebody's account of this experience. Very cool idea.
rancar2
She’s been encouraged to by many people who’ve been moved by her letters including myself. If you want to message me, I can share more when she does.
akavel
Also interested; how can I message you?
By the way, I just wanted to also say I love big chunks of this whole comments section; so much pure positivity and human beauty in one place, so soothing, uplifting, and inspiring to me. Thanks hereby to everyone sharing around here how they're consciously recognizing and acting in various amazing ways on the good they received.
noosphr
rancar2
The hand written letters have mistakes and flow that are perfectly imperfect. Also it looks like despite all their effort, they still went able to get the robot to anywhere near replicating human level writing in even a short note.
noosphr
At the end of the video a handwriting expert who worked for the FBI to detect fraud had this to say about the project:
> If I didn't know any better, it could be an actual writing by an individual not a machine.
mooreds
I have a goal of writing a thank you note a month to people who have helped me. (Reminds me, I need to do that this month.)
The folks I've done this for were pleasantly surprised, both by the note and the contents of it. They'd forgotten how they helped me, which makes sense, because it was a big deal for me but not for them.
A physical note, reminding them of the help they gave you, is a great way to say thanks.
gavinray
I do a similar thing, except I email random people whose content or materials have helped me, or I appreciate.
Everything from professors, musical artists, authors, and professionals.
I never expect to get anything back but it's surprising how often I do.
My thoughts are that, if I did/wrote something that improved someone's life, even a one-word "thanks" would feel really good.
jupiterglimpse
Wow, thank you! this is really impressive! It feels like receiving a surprise ('dividend') from a past good deed. I will start doing this!
mooreds
Awesome, let me know how it goes! I wish I was more consistent about it; you've inspired me!
nick__m
A colleague did this to me some years ago, he thanked me for the mentorship and confidence I gave him that enabled him to apply for a better paying job title.
It felt like rays of sunshine that came at a time were I particularly needed some, it made my week and then some.
snarf21
This is the right approach. Not just to be grateful in the moment but in the future to be grateful introspectively.
Also, paying it forward is the best way to give back and can create long lasting positive ripples.
mooreds
Yes! Pay it forward.
Think about what someone did for you in the past (an intro, a kind word, a helpful convo an investment, whatever it was) and try to do it for someone in your life today.
jasonthorsness
People might not remember things that made such a difference to you and a Thank You will mean a lot. Also maybe if you lost touch with some, maybe now that you are older and without a work or other hierarchy to get in the way, you could be friends. I have seen this a few times.
Brajeshwar
Pay it Forward. And ask Nothing in Return. If you believe you got "x" then give "10x" and more.
furyofantares
You pay it forward to younger people. I'm sure that's what many of the people who helped you were doing.
kevinconroy
+100! I view it as "holding the door open behind me for others", much like people held the door for me.
user32489318
Help others that were in your situation
toomuchtodo
“Be the person you needed when you’re younger.” was some advice someone once gave. +1
JohnFen
I tithe. I don't mean that in a religious sense at all, but it's the way I pay my community back for that support. It's also not just in terms of money -- I count time volunteering and mentoring as part of tithing. It's also not repaying the people who helped me directly, but I don't think that's the important part. The way you pay them back is to "pay it forward" and do for others as those people have done for you.
bongodongobob
If it's not religious I don't know why you'd call it tithing, that's not what that word means. For example, I do communion, but not in the religious sense, I take shots and order a frozen pizza at the bar.
JohnFen
"Tithe" is not inherently a religious term (it just means "a levy of 1/10th"), despite it mostly being used in a religious context. I use it because there is no good alternative term.
__MatrixMan__
Seems like an appropriate usage of the word to me. How seriously do you take the 1/10th part?
shermantanktop
Self-taxation?
lephty
Since they invested their time in you, I would suggest that you give back in kind. Call them, send them a note, email/text, etc. It is easier than ever to keep in touch with people now-a-days. Meet them in person if they are open to that and you are able to.
If some of these mentors are retired, I'm sure they would love to hear from a former protege/student/mentee. Watching my dad after his retirement, he always enjoys these interactions with his former colleagues -- talk about their profession or department. Made his day/week in most cases. Retirement can be professionally lonely sometimes.
ProllyInfamous
I've worked directly with several HNW individuals, and the biggest "snub" (real or not) I ever witnessed was a multi-millionaire who sabotaged a mentee's already-disastrous wedding... because he wasn't thanked in the wedding handout.
Dollars meant nothing to him, but control — and meant nothing to this Groom.
>If some of these mentors are retired
Retired people typically rock, so-long as they didn't spend their entire careers being bullies. For several years I lived in a retirement community (as "the help") and the endless dinners/conversations rarely "got old." I mostly enjoyed working with/for elderly retirees, except that most seem to have almost no concept of how much dollars have deflated since their pre-70s/80s/90s gold-backed hayday.
>[things you could do]
Help raise "the next generation" by living well and mentoring your own deserving minds — perhaps have an informal lunch with both your advisor and advisee?
Throughout my career, I've received incredible kindness and inspiration from experienced people - professors, and strangers who invested time in me when I feel like I had little to offer in return. While I always express gratitude and try to pay it forward, I often feel there's still an imbalance. I feel like I owe something more direct to the specific people who shaped my life.
How do you meaningfully give back to people who helped you early on (when you literally have nothing...haha)? What forms of gratitude have you found most meaningful?
Appreciate any comments.