Youth and what happens when it's gone

To provide a little grounding for the author's writing, most novelists don't publish until their 40s or later. Most young novelists who publish don't publish anything that sells until their 40s, too.

Which isn't to discount the author's point. Their writing is introspective. But our perceptions are not always right, and it screws with our self-perceptions, especially of what success means and looks like. We are drawn to exceptions and anchor our expectations for ourselves within their stories.

A huge part of that has to be that in modern day society we're constantly bombarded with those one-in-a-million stories that are presented as if they're the norm. And don't get me started on things like sports stars with insanely rare genetic gifts who then write books that say "And I knew it would just take hard work to make my dreams would come true" - sure, you worked hard, but so did a bajillion other folks who didn't win the genetic lottery that you've never heard of. And in many places, like the US, it's also widely preached and believed that the US is a meritocracy, and that anyone can achieve greatness if they work hard enough. I don't really want to get into the "meritocracy" debate but I hope everyone can at least acknowledge that luck is a huge component of any exceptional success.

Before global media, for the most part if you were comparing yourself to other people it was largely comparing against your friends, family and community. Sure, there may have been that one outsized success, but it still wasn't presented as the norm - you knew all the other friends and family that just had average lives. And for most of human history where social ranking was explicitly classed based, it's not like if you were a peasant you would think "Darn, if I only worked harder I could be a noble".

If you want to feel "less hard on yourself", I highly recommend disconnecting from digital media. It's hard for our human brains to deal with the constant onslaught of stars/celebrities/moguls/exceptions and understand how rare those examples truly are.

It's tough to be wired as an optimizer

Good reminder that it's everyone's first time doing this.

accept, let go and surrender.

I'm starting to understand aging as more a process of becoming who we are meant to be instead of a loss of potentiality. It is a profoundly counter-cultural idea.

I have all-too-brief moments where I experience a visceral sense of literally meeting myself, and the joy therein. I believe that is the work I am to do at the moment, and those small epiphanies are the guideposts.

I don’t read the piece as trying to convince anyone that the perspective presented in it is correct or true, and am kind of surprised that multiple posters here read it that way.

You must be younger than 45, not to be patronizing but, otherwise, you'd get it.

And one man's vice is another man's virtue. Just look at international politics.

> You're old as soon as you see imperfections as permanent

Conversely, you're young as long as you believe you have control over imperfections.

Last year, I slipped in a puddle on my bike. Last week, my orthopedic surgeon told me I can never be a runner again. There is too little cartilage left in my ankle.

Yesterday, Strava told me I logged my 250th entry. Scrolling down my activity stream past the walks I logged recovering from my ankle injury, I saw the hundreds of runs I went on when I took jogging seriously. One of those runs is now the best run I'll ever do.

Not being able to run is an imperfection that is "permanent" and that I will never "grow" past regardless of how much I care to do so. That's what getting old feels like.

This is wisdom. Pursuing one's own individual path confers a perspective shift that counters some of the cynicism that seems to come with old age.

There might be aspects of ourselves that cannot be changed even if we desire to change them. I am a firm believer in the growth mindset, but as I get older, I see there might be limits to it because of time, energy, money, etc. constraints.

Yes and no. There are encumbrances and liabilities that emerge that cannot be removed. Diseases, children, aging parents, accidents are all things that happen and can sometimes eat up all available resources.

But we must also contend with the fact that most people -- ourselves included -- won't fix most of their flaws. Besides, your anecdote does not even further your point. You're talking about having the intention to try to improve yourself. That says nothing about whether you'll actually follow through, let alone succeed.

It is kinda marketing staple to make people feel bad about themselves or exaggerate problems so they desire your solution. You see it everywhere in different forms.

Perfection-seeking as an activity is fine (and to be lauded!), but perfection-seeking as an identity needs to be excised. Endless effort spent to realize excellence in this world is a beautiful thing, but it truly is a curse to become so self-critical, so self-loathing that if you haven't achieved it yet means (to you) that you are a failure. You've only ever failed when you quit trying, otherwise you're simply on the journey of discovery, trial, tribulation and hopefully, eventually, triumph. And don't forget, success is inextricably linked to a moment in time; it will fade, and you will remain, so hopefully a person has been kind enough to and accepting enough of themselves that when the accolades become meaningless, the person left behind is whole, happy and content.

There's always another challenge on the horizon, always more perfection to be sought.

Seeking improvement is a good thing.

Is the definition of seeking perfection different? Maybe these words are poor for the distinction between direction and target.

CertainlyI wouldn't want to be an unhappy perfectionist. But slowly perfecting/improving something is a happy thing.

That said, I struggle with the internal dialogue of some people that are never happy with what they do.

> That finding one woman anything less than immediately perfect will cut me off from all the small, lovely moments I have had with women across the world in my life.

You had those moments. You could keep trying to chase that bouncing between different partners going forward, but consider: a) more women exit the dating market with age (especially the good ones), b) there is a richness of experience also to be found with a devoted lifelong partner which can't be had with a mere fling.

As time goes on, your odds of success are harsher either way, risking being alone much of the time. But in particular, good long-term prospects more rapidly diminish.

Opportunity-cost goes both ways. Speaking from my own bias and experience, investing and relishing in a life-long relationship with a flawed-but-loving partner is worth it, having had the non-committal phase when I was younger.

It's difficult to maximize for some characteristics in a partner. Beauty, sure, you know what you like so you can ball-park. Many traits/qualities are difficult to discern and luck-of-the-draw: reliability and trust, compatibility and love, capacity to raise children well, etc.

No one is perfect and there is no unicorn, novelty is attractive in itself. My heuristic is if a partner can be assessed as "good", holding on is the right move.

I think about Voltaire's Candide often, and the lesson applies here.

Are you anything less than immediately perfect? I mean this in the way that inverting a question sometimes snaps me out of some loop or rut of indecision.

I think it's important to remember we're happily compatible with many people, many houses, and many entire existences.

Have you considered what's said in "Why you will marry the wrong person"? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EvvPZFdjyk

I'm single in my 40s. I was the same way. Just pick one. Soon there won't be any to pick from my friend.

the way I've always thought about this uncertainty - the time will pass anyway. good choice or bad, but you can't avoid the time passing by trying to carefully consider which one to choose, and indecision eats the same time away, right?

as you note you're already probably living in some imperfect city. you might consider buying a house more of a commitment to it, but how much more than coasting along in apartments thinking of where to buy the house, for example? you'll live somewhere in that time either way. you might as well commit to things.

Counterpoint: they will lock you down even harder, and you'll be dreaming of the possibilities that will present when they eventually move out.

For a lot of people, but not for everybody.

Not only that, but there are several different modes of meaning in a life. Family is one aspect, career/community is another, building yourself and heath is another. Thinking of the "one" thing that gives life meaning is very limiting.

Especially as what is meaningful to you may change as time goes on.

It depends on individuals. I have a son but I believe having kids is just taking and giving away. One takes something and gives away other stuffs. Eventually it's a gamble and one better feels that one gets a bit more than he throws away.

Yes, exactly!

Part of maturing is realizing that you are but a link in a chain; and all the potential futures in which you saw yourself as the protagonist fade into a fuzzier (and less direct) set of potential futures which your children will shape and navigate through.

Meanwhile, we are also becoming captive to the stories that we tell ourselves about ours lives and the stories that our culture tells us about our value. But though it's not easy, you can change the story you tell yourself at any time... and watch your life fill-in with possibilities again.

It's actually that easy. I know quite a few people who try to fill the void with dogs, cats or even work, but children are the real deal.

Yes. People do not want to give up some finite freedoms in exchange for preserving their lineage. This is a very modern and sad problem and the source of so much angst of the middle aged. But of course, most people are too hedonistic and self absorbed to realise this.

I disagree with the premise that one should make children for the sake of filling a void.

I have a child. In fact I am an empty-nester. So here we are again.

I can't believe I am the one on the other end of this comment. For real. I cannot believe I am typing this out. Me, the eternally damned one is now the virtuous savior typing those empty feel good words on the internet.

I met her when I was 35 and she was 36. Totally unreal human who is the best person I have ever met. She settled on her ex-husband and after 5 years they split amicably, both understanding their mistake. She was "too old" so she figured she would just live a solo life. After a few years her friends made a profile for her and put it up. Its been two years and people are still jealous of our intense bond. Currently I'm looking for a ring.

Hold out hope, it's not totally over. I was you for many years.

Well... that woman is de facto the best. One of the great secrets to life is that happiness is found primarily through changing your mindset, not through changing your circumstances. It's easy to say and hard to do, of course. But it is true. You'll be a lot happier if you can focus on the good qualities of whatever woman you find in your life, than if you look at her in terms of "she's just the best that I could do".

The woman who I thought was "best" that I was wildly in love with a few months later cheated on me. I've never really fully recovered from the ordeal.

That said, as I've entered my 30s things seem more strategic. I want love more than ever and after re-locating to the SF Bay Area women seem more sparse than ever.

Idk if modern women in america "stick around" anymore.

Honestly, as a man with a family and a kid, maybe, just maybe, not getting a family is a blessing, especially for people who have to try hard for that.

Just maybe, fight for your passion and forget about family and kid. You might find them on the road that you avoid them.

Having the exact opposite experience is how I realized that a major relocation is in my relatively near future.

The longer the adventure, the more disconnected and odd home would feel upon return.

My family/friend situation is most likely a bit different though, for reasons that would make this comment far too long. It's time for a reset (~40ish).

That's my biggest complaint with this kind of mindset. Nearly all of the problems the author grapples with seem to be related to their belief in their own greatness.

We're all going to die, and we're all going to be forgotten eventually.

Sure, but if your strategy for life happiness is to spend your youth to try to win the lottery, I'd say maybe that's not a good investment.

Your comment (re: "no matter how old") made me think of a beautiful bit from Hokusai, who did The Great Wave Off Kanagawa

At 74 (he painted the great wave a little before this iirc):

    "From the age of six I had a mania for drawing the shapes of things. When I was fifty I had published a universe of designs. But all I have done before the the age of seventy is not worth bothering with. At seventy five I'll have learned something of the pattern of nature, of animals, of plants, of trees, birds, fish and insects. When I am eighty you will see real progress. At ninety I shall have cut my way deeply into the mystery of life itself. At a hundred I shall be a marvelous artist. At a hundred and ten everything I create; a dot, a line, will jump to life as never before. To all of you who are going to live as long as I do, I promise to keep my word. I am writing this in my old age. I used to call myself Hokusai, but today I sign my self 'The Old Man Mad About Drawing.'"

> that's the perspective of a veteran of the industry

Yes, of course. The target audience for that comment is today's version of my younger self, the one who thinks that if you haven't made ten million dollars by the time you turn 30 (or won a Nobel Prize or a Fields Medal or published a novel or had a screenplay produced or whatever) you're a failure.

I don't think it was Silence of The Lambs specifically - it was the experience this author had of watching that movie at 14 years old. Do you have a movie you watched at a young age, and through it you saw a window into adult life you were certain you would step into?

Silence of the Lambs is just this author's version of that. Mine is a different movie - but the way the author talked about silence of the lambs resonated deeply with me about how I feel watching "my" movie at an older age, and comparing it to how I thought when I watched it at 14.

I don't know. Maybe some there's some truth to it but I've seen tons of super skilled musicians that are still very passionate.