How older parents divorce affects their adult children
43 comments
·September 14, 2025foogazi
> This tilt towards later-in-life divorce is happening for a mix of reasons, studies suggest. Lives are longer than they used to be, for a start, and older couples may be less willing to put up with unfulfilling marriages than before.
Makes sense too if you stay together for the kids, then the kids aren’t kids anymore
giantg2
I generally agree, but they're focused mostly on 65+ age group. That would make more sense around 45-55 if people are having kids in their 30s.
Swizec
> I generally agree, but they're focused mostly on 65+ age group
Another aspect possibly driving this: In USA a lot of people get divorced immediately after a cancer (or similar) diagnosis. That way only one of you goes bankrupt and you get to keep half your lifetime savings.
mhurron
> That way only one of you goes bankrupt
That's not why it happens.
If the wife gets ill, the marriage has about a 20% chance of ending because of it. If the husband becomes ill, there is only a 3% chance. It has nothing to do with financials and everything to do with the husbands lack of desire to care for their wife.
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.h...
When a wife gets ill, she has a high chance of finding out how much her husband actually thought of her.
dottjt
On the contrary, you may get paid out a massive life insurance claim.
quesera
A few trends which might be relevant:
- First-time parenthood is frequently occurring later in life
- Couples are more often having (additional) children at later ages
- Children are sometimes not "launching" until later in their 20s.
jacobolus
Alternately, it might be that the cohort now age 65+ was more likely to divorce than the previous generation at every age throughout their lives, and there were some kind of generational effects involved.
wer232essf
[dead]
cricalix
Anecdotally, this rings true for me. Father walked out on mother essentially, when I was in my early 40s. Rocked my world thoroughly, hadn't seen it coming. Several years of therapy to come to terms with it.
Baader-Meinhof
Also anecdotally, I experienced the opposite. After three decades of constant fighting, the divorce was almost cathartic. Their marriage was more traumatic for me than their divorce.
Interestingly, their relationship became much better after and they are ok as friends now.
newAccount2025
I wonder what percentage of our feelings on the spectrum of “ok yeah makes sense” vs “omg how could this happen” is even based on the actual marriage.
GP’s comment vs yours mirror my brother’s reaction vs my reaction when our parents divorced. Same divorce, completely different feelings about it.
skissane
Research suggests there is a big difference between how children experience divorce between high-functioning and low-functioning families - children from high-functioning families often experience parental divorce as traumatic, children from low-functioning families often experience it as a relief from ongoing traumatisation
Even within the same family, both divorce and dysfunction can be experienced very differently due to differences in each child’s individual psychology and also family dynamics (sometimes one child is made to bear the brunt of the dysfunction much more than the others-the “black sheep” versus the “golden child”)
Aloha
I can second this - my parents were good friends after their divorce, as all of the issues of contention were related to sharing a house and relationship.
331c8c71
I would assume ones's parents divorce would be much easier to come to terms with for someone in their 40s compared to 20s, teens or kids (that doesn't mean it wouldn't suck).
notmyjob
Bailing out on the responsibilities of caregiving of the spouse, thus forcing the burden onto adult children whose careers are cut short or obliterated may be one common reason this occurs.
foogazi
How is this different than death ?
lurking_swe
death is a single sad event. A specific day.
Unexpectedly becoming the sole caregiver of an aging parent seems different to me. I can imagine some resentment, especially if it’s unexpected _and_ one is already the caregiver for their own spouse, children, etc. It changes your life plans, adds additional daily stress in your life, and may also add financial stress.
foogazi
everything you said also applies in the death of the other parent: unexpected, sole caregiver, aging parent, changes life plans
Even if they don’t divorce and one dies it changes your life plans
The only thing different is the bummer of divorce and the emotional fallout from it
null
giantg2
Because you may have 2 different parents to care for instead of just 1. In general, this could also mean longer caregiving periods based on the ages of the divorce vs typical lifespan.
open592
My reaction to be thrust into this responsibility is different if my parent just up and left vs died.
It’s my responsibility into the later and me assuming their responsibility in the former.
null
lo_zamoyski
All I can say is: duh!
Divorce doesn’t harm the family only when children are young. Marriage is a bond that forms a foundation for family networks. This nonsense about “unfulfilling marriage” is simply our hyperindividualism on shameless display. That’s not the job of your marriage, to offer you some kind of fantasy “fulfillment”. Your dissatisfaction is likely rooted in your self-centeredness. We know that selfish, self-centered, self-obsessed people are the most unhappy people. Well, here’s a thought: stop prioritizing your “happiness” and your “fulfillment” and be an adult. Recognize that your marriage is for the good of others. A large part of being an adult is to enable the common good of your family and your society. Your family depends on you. Your society depends on you. Divorce motivated by abuse is one thing, but “lack of fulfillment” is a sign of perpetual adolescence.
Want to be happy? Happiness is found in virtue. Learn to live for others and stop being a parasite who burdens his spouse with the impossible task of making you “happy”.
moduspol
> This tilt towards later-in-life divorce is happening for a mix of reasons, studies suggest.
My pet theory is an increase in treatments for "low testosterone" is a non-trivial contributor.
serial_dev
I’d be surprised if it made a dent… I’d probably first check the numbers on this… you are saying that because men can get their testosterone up even later in their lives, they either cheat, get sexually frustrated, or less likely to put up with their wives behavior? Interesting theory, but I would be surprised if the numbers supported this pet theory.
moduspol
Men with higher testosterone has been linked to cheating in various studies--honestly I thought this was common knowledge. And treatments for "low t" (targeted at middle-aged and older males) have been more and more common over the past few decades. I guess it just seems fairly plausible.
[1] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31326436/
[2] https://www.apa.org/monitor/dec06/testosterone
[3] https://uk.style.yahoo.com/men-high-testosterone-more-likely...
null
smeeger
i have tried taking testosterone and it had several mind-blowing benefits and i can say with complete confidence that testosterone hrt is actually one of the most effective methods to save or hold together a heterosexual marriage. quite the opposite of what you think. such a shame that hrt is demonized by most people when its test rather than estrogen
moduspol
Me, too, and I agree it has helped in my marriage. I don't think it'd be helpful in all marriages, though. Particularly if you are in a career that puts you in high-temptation situations.
lisbbb
Isn't the downside that once you're on TRT, your own body won't keep making testosterone, so you end up never being able to stop the injections?
smeeger
your body does stop making its own but there is no clear answer as to whether or not your body loses the ability to restart its own endogenous production. thats how new and also ignored/understudied testosterone hrt is… if you wait a fee years there might be new information or biomarkers that can help answer this question.
there are other things you can do to preserve your bodies natural T production. there are medications that induce it but its not been studied for long term use. there is also another hormone you can take called HCG that will cause your body to continue making test but its difficult to use.
gautamcgoel
What were the benefits?
smeeger
the biggest benefit was to my sleep and this is true of pretty much everyone who takes it. i was able to have very deep, restful and unbroken sleep. the best sleep of my life. normally i can barely sleep and wake up in the night and do not feel rested. ive been like that since my 20s and nothing touches it besides testosterone. other benefits include much better mood, a tendency to be much more open and likable, tons of energy and motivation behind everything i do and of course being much stronger is also nice. cardiovascular performance, the ability to do cardio heavy tasks and not get winded, massively increased. i loved it. but it made me less calculated and thoughtful which is important for my job so i decided to stop. i will almost certainly start again in the future.
even after stopping i noticed that there seems to be a lot more pressure on my heels when im standing. i think it has a positive effect on my default sympathetic tone or something like that. drawbacks are sleep apnea, hair loss and testicle shrinkage
giantg2
"Crowley found that the women faced an "economic penalty" after divorce"
Something tells me this doesn't account for the court orders.
>"Even for those relationships that were negatively strained, over time, the strained relationships mended," she says.
I was 54. my wife called it quits on me.
These days, my former wife and our three daughters are probably as happy and as communicative as we've ever been.
Mutually, putting our children as a high priority helped.